Sometimes as mothers we feel so guilty for EVERYTHING, no matter how small. I have been known to say something like, "Motherhood is 1 part love, 99 parts guilt." So, I wonder: Despite all my guilt, am I a good mother?
Let's examine the evidence:
>Sometimes my kids go to school with breakfast on their faces.
* At least my kids get breakfast in the morning :D For me, that's saying something.
>Sometimes my kids are at daycare for the full 10 hours it's open.
*I care enough about them to:
a. find an excellent daycare/school (and dish out the $$... yikes).
b. work as hard as I can in school to set a good example and prepare for their futures.
>Sometimes I need some alone time, even if that means I don't see them until their bedtimes.
*I strive to be well balanced so that our time together can be quality time.
>I let my 4 yr old watch movies when we get home from school so that I can get my homework/studying done.
*An hour of TV before dinner is a nice way for her to wind down after a busy day at school.
>My daughter didn't roll over until she was 7 months old. I simply didn't have time to work with her on it.
*Research shows that babies move when they are ready, regardless of prodding from parents.
--Yeah, try telling that to my guilt!--
>One week, my daughter ate mac-n-cheese or chicken nuggets every night for dinner.
*I tried to change the vegetables and add a fruit.... She is so thin that sometimes I will feed her whatever I think she will eat.
>We eat out probably 3 times/week because I don't have time to make dinner and do the dishes.
*BUT, when we eat out, we all eat together and try to find healthy options.
>My kids' rooms are not perfectly decorated.
*But Abrie feels like a princess in her canopy bed and Jaylee doesn't know the difference.
>I don't enjoy playing Barbies.
*So, I switch the game to hide-and-seek.
>I don't make it to church every Sunday.
*I am not sure how I want to shape the girls' beliefs.
>Abrie has only ever had one haircut.
*But I do her hair every morning so it doesn't hang in her face.
>My kids have gone up to 4 days without baths.
*But they always have clean clothes!
>My house gets severely neglected.
*I can't be at school and at home at the same time.
*sigh* There's my list of guilts. With the rationalizations they don't sound so bad, yet somehow I still feel guilty. By spending so much time and effort on school, I truly feel that I am doing what's best for them. Just four more months and it will all be a distant memory! The interesting thing is that Jason has just as many responsibilities as I do, but he never feels guilty for neglecting the kids or the housework.
Why do I feel guilty even though I know I am making good decisions? Why is motherhood such a catalyst for guilt?!
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4 comments:
I have a theory for you.... CURSE THOSE FEMINISTS!! :D That sounds bad... but let me explain. While the goal has been all along to make women EQUAL to men, which it may in the end... it has in the meantime provided a situation where women are EXPECTED to do twice as much. You go to work (and/or school) work your butt off, then come home for your "second shift" of taking care of home and kidlets. Mom's are never off. So what happens is while women are capable of most things that men are... in the effort to prove this we have proven we can do BOTH the career AND the mom stuff. So if you choose to go to work/school you feel guilt for not "taking care" of your kids ... or of having other people "raise" them. While if you stay home you constantly feeling kinda like a mooch (not because anyone says it... but because you look at all these mom's out there working and doing "so much more" and helping to provide for their familes... unforunately right now it is a no win situation for most women in the fiel of guilt.
Hopefully soon the culture for men will adapt to help keep a womens sanity, cause if it doesn't we are going to have a VERY low level of sane women out there.
sorry for such a Looooong comment. I've thought a LOT about this.
I heard on NPR the other day that the book Pres.-elect Barack Obama wrote called "The Audacity of Hope" addresses this issue. Michelle Obama has sacrificed her very successful law career to support his career. I am so interested to read that book and see what she (and he) has to say about how they came to that family decision.
I constantly battle my ego when it comes to our careers. One of us has to slow down and take care of the domestic duties, so which one of our educations is less important? Whose grades suffer because of our personal responsibilities?
I hope to someday find some peace in the role I find myself in.
Not sure you'll even get this comment because it's an older post. I was a single mom for two + years and my (at the time) four-year-old daughter ate Totino's party pizza every single night for dinner. And my 6 year-old-son ate Ramen...every singe night. I had only the comfort of knowing that when they went to their dad's on the weekends they got grandma's good home-cooking.
Oh, and I put them to bed with snacks every night. Snacks that included a jar of peanut butter and a spoon for my daughter. And they one time had pop-corn for breakfast. Which was probably on their faces when the went to school.
So, ya know...you could be doing a lot worse!
Amber, thanks for sharing your comments! I do not envy you having to be a single mother. I am sure your kids are healthy and happy because they have a mother that loves them. That's the point I was trying to make with that post. We make mistakes and sacrifices, but we still love our kids.
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