Pure, Wasted Epiphany

I've finally come to the realization that perhaps my purpose in life is not to create works of art for others to enjoy, but merely to appreciate others' genius. I suppose I need to find some way to learn to live with that idea. The idea that perhaps I am not really an individual, but just another animal inhabiting planet Earth plagues my mind. I've always thought of myself as something of an artist with original ideas and the potential to one day make life easier or more fun for our fellow humans. However, it seems the harder I try, with every opportunity I have to decline, that potential slips further and further away with my youth. Honestly, people approach me all the time with some brilliant opportunity that I can never see through to the end. Usually because of the lifestyle I lead: military spouse, mother of two bright, spirited young children--that is my identity. Experience has taught me that without my identity I am nothing; however, the paradox is that with my identity I can do nothing. I simply cannot dedicate my life to two identities. At my funeral, my headstone will either read loving wife, devoted mother or wildly successful, somewhat sane creative genius. I can't seem to marry the two lives. Imagining myself floating through life without leaving any kind of indentation on humanity is a difficult pill to swallow, but maybe it's the xanex that will finally pave the road to contentment. Maybe I need to relax and spend time enjoying the work of people who are able and willing to dedicate their lives to their art. Perhaps through admiration and pure wasted epiphany I will find fulfillment. Perhaps.

Nothing like a kiss from a vampire.

Somehow I developed a small (ish) obsession with Twilight. I'm not sure how this happened, exactly. I read the books for the first time over Christmas break, 2008. Granted I was rushing to get through them because I knew if I didn't finish them by the end of the break I wouldn't have a chance to get back to them because of school. But I didn't like them much. Maybe it was the high-falutin' literature and grammar classes I was taking, but somehow then I saw the series for what the rational side of my brain still considers it to be: not-so-well-written fluff.

So, WHY suddenly can't I stop thinking about Edward and Bella? WHY do I go to sleep wishing I was immortal? WHY did I buy the soundtrack to both Twilight and Eclipse? WHY did I place an Edward gadget on my blog? WHY did I add a Twilight app to my iphone?! And perhaps most shocking of all: WHY do I have a calendar of Edward--er RPatz-- hanging in my pantry??

What is it about Twilight that appeals to such a wide audience? What is it about Twilight that has ME so enamored? I wish I could pinpoint it. Perhaps it's because the storyline portrays an unlikely love story: A perfect, beautiful immortal being who could choose anyone in the human or vampire world to be with, yet he chooses Bella, an imperfect, awkward, only marginally beautiful mortal with incredible nose appeal. Or maybe the charm comes from a falsely idealized, concept of immortality (which Edward spends the whole third book, Eclipse, trying desperately to explain to Bella). Or maybe the the romanticized idea of fate creates the fascination with a world where there are vegetarian vampires. Surely fate brought Bella to Edward. Afterall, she's his "song," as we learn in Eclipse. Surely if fate brought those two star-crossed lovers together, fate can either bring lonely people their soul mates (mortal or otherwise), or it has already joined those of us who are married to our soul mates. The mystery of fate has long been a subject for romantic intrigues.

Originally, according to Stephenie Meyer, the series was written for teens. Yet, somehow it appeals to women of all ages. Even my five year old is smitten with Edward (mostly because he can climb trees and run fast, but whatever). When Jason was deployed, Twilight became my favorite movie. I watched it constantly--I should also say that I don't have cable, so my viewing options are somewhat limited. Now that he's home I don't get to watch it as often. He's even banned discussing anything about Edward at the dinner table--one of the funnier moments of my life.

Anyway, I'm so super excited for New Moon on dvd in a few days that I can barely stand it. I saw it twice in theaters, not to mention I've read the book (all of the books) three or four times, yet here I am, waiting with bated breath, for New Moon to finally be released so I can torture my husband by having a Twilight party. :)

WHO'S IN?!

Anyone want to buy a house??

I have a house that won't sell. It's a fabulous house in a fabulous neighborhood, but no one wants to buy it. I don't get it. And I don't know what to do about it. Right now we are paying for two houses, our on-base housing rent in CA and the house in San Antonio, I have lovingly dubbed, "That Damn House!" I don't know what to do about it. We can't go on living as we are now without it being sold, so now what. Our situation stinks. Big Time. I feel frustrated and helpless. I am wiling to do ANYTHING to get that house sold. I mean it. I will do ANYTHING, including offering an immediate payment of $2000 to the person who finds me a buyer. Because if it doesn't sell, the stress of trying to keep up with both house payments is going to kill me. I just imagine what our lives would be like if we didn't have to pay for that house. We have very few other bills (thank goodness) besides that house, so our lives would be awesome. I could put Abrie back in dance and maybe do some mommy and me things with Jaylee. I might actually get to go out to eat with my husband or my friends once and a while. I could donate a few dollars to The Paisano, the newspaper I interned at in college that desperately needs funds. We could actually have a savings account again and not have to despair about the cost of milk. I need help. And help's not coming.

Want to see it?
http://www.visualtour.com/shownp.asp?T=1773535

Unresolved promises...

I promise to blog about my dream and my feelings about Valentine's Day THIS WEEKEND. There. Now that it's on the screen it has to happen, right? RIGHT?

My camera cord is FOUND, so no more crazy political posts! (Ok, maybe not NO more, but at least fewer). Yay!

Until this weekend....

Haiti: A Bad Investment

According to a report done by CNN.com concerning the Haiti crisis:

THE RESPONSE IN DOLLARS
$1.12 billion: International aid pledges
$783 million: Funds received as of Tuesday (26 Jan)
$317 million: U.S. assistance as of Monday (25 Jan)

Um, I don't even know how to add those numbers into my calculator to get a total, and I don't know if this includes what it's costing the US to send troops there. Haiti was a disastrously poor country before the quake. Now it seems they are loaded! Where is the money going, and why aren't we seeing results? You would think that with that kind of money the US military could build the people individual shelters at least as good as the ones they had before the earthquake.

But I don't see that happening. In fact, all I continue to see on the news is death and destruction and more money being thrown at it.

There's a reason third world countries are poor: corruption. Does it really make sense to continue giving money to a government that barely maintains a police force?? Why not reinvest some of that money into our own country instead of (and yes, I see the irony of this statement) giving it away to corrupt leaders who were never in hardship in the first place? The Haitian people will never see that money. They will slowly begin to rebuild their lives with the exact same tools they had before the earthquake and nothing will change.

I understand the need for the US to provide humanitarian aid, but we also need to realize what we are dealing with. Some investments simply are not a good idea, and in times of economic hardship we need to be critically analyzing our investments.



Credit: http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/01/26/haiti.by.the.numbers/index.html?hpt=T2

My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!

"Friends" is one of my favorite shows of all time. I own all ten seasons and have watched them so many times that I quote lines from the shows in daily conversation (usually to people who don't get the joke and give me that cock-eyed, head tilted look when I try to explain). One of my favorite scenes of all time is when Rachel, encouraged by wine and a blind date failure, finally confesses her feelings to Ross. Ross then is forced to choose between Julie, a girl he recently started seeing, and Rachel who he's been in love with since high school. Ross, freaking out, takes his problem to his friends, Joey and Chandler who show him very little sympathy:

Chandler: This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy . My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

That line that the ever-sarcastic Chandler throws at Ross is a favorite of mine. Every time I am stuck in a seemingly difficult situation I recite this line to myself as a reminder of how good my life really is. "Think about it," I tell myself. "How many years did I long for a car that wouldn't randomly strand me on the freeway?" Now I have two. "How many years did I dream of having a house with a yard in Suburbia?" I loved every second we lived in that house. "How many years did I dream of finishing college?" I now proudly wear a class of 2009 class ring. However, I find myself dreaming about a BMW SUV, of selling my house in San Antonio, and getting a master's degree. I have achieved yesterdays dreams. Yesterday I thought having all of those things would make my life complete. Today I have a new set of dreams.

As I do mundane daily tasks, laundry, dishes, my mind wonders to how wonderful life will be in two years when Jason gets promoted and we are up for a (hopefully) big sign-on bonus. Just three weeks ago my mind was wandering to how wonderful life would be when Jason came home from Spain. Three months earlier I was dreaming of how nice it would be to live in base housing and have a new life and be settled. Three months prior I was wishing for OCS to be over. Three months before OCS I was dreaming of walking the graduation stage.... It's never ending. All that time has finally passed and still I am living in the future rather than appreciating my present.



Well, blogger friends, I'm here to say that I'm finished with that kind of thinking.

One of my unofficial resolutions for 2010 was to relish my accomplishments and enjoy what I already have rather than long for what I don't have. So today, as I was on hold waiting to speak with our financial advisor about future investments, I hung up the phone and chuckled to myself as the Ross/Chandler scene played in my head. My life may not be perfect, but I've got what I need--and that's ok--for now.

What do you think of this one?

Me (of course)































Vanessa Lengies